Gay Agony Uncle: Reciprocation???


I’ll keep this short.

My best friend came out to me a year ago, while the two of us were still at the HS. He kept it pretty quiet, and even when we got to college here, he did not really make, well, any sweeping announcements.

We have been talking about his sex, my sex, guys, girls, etc. ever since. And although it all started more or less as a joke, he ended up giving me two BJs at two different times. I also fucked him twice. He is going out and having fun with other guys, too. I am now going steady with a GF.

He has recently started asking me to return the favor! As in to give him a BJ and let him fuck me!!!  (WTF?) I told him that I was not up for that game but he wouldn’t let go. He is calling me selfish, self-centered, egoistic, and what-not.

Am I really supposed to be “returning the fav”? Is this normal?



I’ll try to keep it short, too!

Nope. You are not supposed to be returning the favors, unless this has been previously agreed upon or you want to do so.

When it comes to the male2male sex (or to any sex, period), reciprocation is never to be assumed automatically. Just because you went down on your GF does not necessarily mean that she has agreed to go down on you, too. Admittedly, in most cases this seems to be the running scenario but there is still no obligation for anyone to return the favors whatsoever.

Sex is not about the reciprocation. It is about giving and taking pleasure among consenting adults. If your friend went down on you without mentioning that he wants the favor returned, he forgot to communicate his wishes at the time when you could have reasonably exercised your free choice of either going with it or stopping it there.

We all live and learn, don’t we? He ought to stop calling you names, and get his act straightened. If he really means it, he won’t forget about the next time around.


~ by silverrrcloud on February 13, 2010.

3 Responses to “Gay Agony Uncle: Reciprocation???”

  1. Dirk,

    SC is right. You’re not obligated to return the favor. Speaking from someone who gives alot but RARELY gets any recip in return, sometimes it does get frustrating. I think what you need to do tho is sit him down and explain to him that you don’t want to do that, but do it in a nice way as to not offend him or anything.

    Also, it may make you look like an asshole that’s only out to get what you want and nothing else. So it’s all about the way that you approach it and make him feel as well when you’re telling it to him.


  2. Dirk

    It’s well known that life always requires a sort of balance. ‘Returning the fav’ is a normal expectation, but of course, by all means you don’t have too, no one has!
    However, I’d thoughtfully say: Follow your gut instincts. After all you both have been friends since quite a while (so it seems), and the sexual games you’ve tried on him before might have somehow, given you some sort of pleasure or satisfaction.
    Although you made it clear here that you’re ‘not up for that game’ you obviously were, at some point before, with him, which is why you should be very cautious if all you want is to put a closure on this matter.
    Listen, why not pay a quick visit to that time(s) and see how it felt by then? Now, close you eyes and see how you feel deep inside at this moment in life (about it)… you may as well want to go for it once more, as a one-off kind of event, but this time, to satisfy him. Perhaps this way you may give some balance to the universe and achieve a sense of fulfillment by ending this affair in a harmonious way -after all you probably better off closing this physical level of accomplishment with him, rather then with someone else later in life.
    Whatever the outcome of this re-visit will be, disclose it with him in a clear, concise and sincere way. That’ll be the end of this matter not only for him, but for you both, and rest assured this issue will never bother none of you again (if you wish so, which is what I think you’re here for)

    Peace out bro’


  3. Guys:

    Thanks for commenting.

    I should say that the matter at hand seems to be somewhat culturally conditioned as are many similar, sex-related issues. Be as it may, IMHE, I do NOT see any expectation of reciprocation by default. No doubt, some people do, some people don’t, but if you want something in exchange for something else, your ALWAYS have to say that well in advance, and make sure that the other guy has the right to exercise his free choice. Asking for something, post festum, is simply not going to stick…

    Yet, I see quite some virtue in bringing this matter to a closure, as it is seemingly putting unnecessary weight on their friendship. A good, private and open-minded m2m convo can really help here.

    And, I’d see this as a great opportunity to show some generosity, too. If you do not want to return the favor, say so, in friendly but clear and unmistakable terms. You really do not have to, and if he wanted a trade deal, he should have told you that before and NOT after. Yet, he is a good friend; you have enjoyed the fun, and no one knows, if one thing may lead to another the next time around, too. We all know that “never!” is really a very long time…

    Offer to do something or give him something, simply because you think that he was generous, too; and because you received pleasure, and would want to say “thanks” in your own way. This is not about spending a lot of money or going on a Herculian task or anything. We are talking a token present, and/or a symbolical action here.

    This will save Dirk’s best friend’s face, since he has been asking for something and getting nothing in return, only to grow unhappy and possibly even sullen about this.

    And it will make Dirk look good, caring, giving and genereous to an extent, too.

    It is very good to show that friendship always matters, even when the other guy may be patently wrong and even though his demands are neither timely nor legitimate.


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