Gay Agony Uncle: A New Friend on Horizon & Some Good Feedback

Hey SC,

About 3 weeks ago, I submitted a request for advice from you. The post was labeled Bi Friend Denying His Love. I want to say it was on Dec 15th.

I just wanted to give you and the other people on the site an update. Since then I have pretty much cut Michael completely out of my life. This time for good. As I was moving on with my life I landed an incredible guy. Name is Troy. Bi-Curious but more importantly he’s an incredible friend from what I can see. He’s never done anything with a guy so a few weeks ago, his best friend (who just happens to be one of my roomates) dared him to kiss me (we have our usual game of Euchre on the weekends which turns to a Truth or Dare thing as well.) It was AMAZING. That boy really knows how to kiss.

Well since then we’ve been really close and getting to know one another. Since this is entirely new to him, we’ve been taking it slow. I mean REAL slow. And I’m finding it challenging to actually begin a friendship from scratch with no sexual attachments onto it. It’s been about 10 years since I’ve had to do that. Now I already have emotions in this friendship that I definately want it to go into more. Tonight I took him to dinner and a movie as friends. I want to get him aclimated to the presence of me being around. Trusting me and being comfortable around me. So far it’s working. I enjoy having him as a friend. Now on New Years Eve, we definately threw it into overdrive because there was alcohol involved but even after sobering up, he admitted something to me. That he enjoyed kissing me. I definately enjoy kissing him.

It’s nice to have someone that I can get to know from scratch who isn’t sexually driven right now like Michael was. With Michael it was spend 1 night together and we were already have oral sex and everything. With Troy it’s different but at the same time it feels right. So I guess what i’m looking for is advice on how to further the friendship part of it while still challenging him with opening up on the curious side. Regardless of what happens in the future, I’m going to be his friend whether or not he goes through with the curious side.

So any advice that you can give me, I’d much appreciate it.

-Not Suffering in Silence Any Longer-

Hey NSIS:

Thanks for hitting us all back with the update. A very cool thing to do.

Cutting off Michael was a sound thing to do. You knew that this was really going nowhere. Certainly, not for the lack of trying on your part.

Taking it REALLY slowly with Troy is probably the only way for you to proceed with a bi-curious guy who

is basically making his first baby-steps into the m2m sex with you. Having a cool friend is a major benefit, no matter how this particular friendship turns out.

A good thing might be to start looking at this from his prospective, too. So far, you have been gently treading the waters. No doubt, he has been comfortable with this to some extent. He obviously depends on you to show him the ropes. He also has every reason to believe that you will continue to do so.

They say that the right timing is everything, for a reason. “Really slow” is good, for as long as you are still moving in the right direction. If you do not make the next move within a reasonable time, you’ll probably have him thinking that you are getting all you need from his friendship, and that this is pretty much it. Even patient people are patient to some extent only. 

There are two more issues here. 

First off, Troy may start thinking that you are one of the many asexual people who are happy with a limited exchange of tenderness but not prepared to go any further. He may or may not be comfortable with this.

Second off, he may be getting the impression that dating a guy is actually pretty much the very same ballgame as dating a girl. You are taking time, having the proverbial candle-light dinners after the movies and all. Enjoyable as this romancing may be to both of you; it may also be a bit misleading, and eventually even counterproductive. The more it looks like the usual hetero-dating the more is he likely to start wondering as to why is he actually not dating a girl? 

I would start planning the next move. Say, after two or three weeks of a basically asexual friendship, you want to start working towards satisfying his bi-curious side beyond the passionate exchange of kisses. He is a guy, and he has his needs, just as you do. There is no reason for either one of you to leave these needs unfulfilled.

Again, there is no need to rush head-on into the complexities of anal sex, unless this is what both of you want to do. But the time might be ripe for spending a night together allowing him to get used to being around another naked guy with all the underlying sexual tension. Breaking the ice does not have to be a very momentous affair but you still need to get there.

Last but not least, avoid projecting any particularly set visions of your common future. Recognize the fact that there is degree of emotional and physical attraction, and that both of you are responding to it. Leave out the rest to the future. 

SC

~ by silverrrcloud on January 4, 2010.

One Response to “Gay Agony Uncle: A New Friend on Horizon & Some Good Feedback”

  1. I want to through something in here as well SC. An update since I requested the advice. Troy and I have slept in my bed together and cuddled. I’m taking it slow because he doesn’t want to lead me on or me get hurt. Most of it has to do with loose ends he has to tie up from his past with relationships that didn’t work. He’s doing that now. He’s also getting his jaws wired shut on friday and that will be for 4 weeks. I’ll be visiting him very often and I’ll also be in the hospital with him when he goes in and be there when he gets out. We’ve been talking as well with understanding how things are going. I finally told him about the Failures of Michael and Nick and what happened because of it. That really made things click a little more for him. So I just wanted to throw that in to let you and other readers know before they give advice on things.

    -NSIS-

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