Gay Agony Uncle: Sugar Daddy

Dear Cloud:

I came out to a few people a year ago, during my freshman year at college. I am a bit on the jokish side, and have made a few new, mostly gay friends at college. So far, life has been good. No complaints here.

I have been living “the best of my life are my college years” stereotype to the fullest. I have no regrets about this. BTW, most of my friends have been doing pretty much the same.

I figured out that more of the same would be a bit boring, and started thinking about trying a few “new things” along the way. I kept this to myself, and did not share my plans with anyone.

I connected with a Silver Fox (Anderson Cooper type) in August on one of the gay web dating portals. At first, I did not think too much about this. Like I said, I just wanted to try something new, different from the daily college dating and mating routine.

After a few E-Mail exchanges and couple of phone calls, I met Marcel live, too. Wow! He totally swept me off my feet. Talk about a Very Big Guy who knows how to wave his Magic Wand… No doubt, hard to beat…

Anyway, at first, we mostly had the sexual thing going on. I kept it quiet for the first couple of weeks. Soon, my friends started asking all kinds of questions. I was not joining them for our usual Friday and Saturday night clubbing and the usual. I had no time to shoot the breeze with them. Our Xbox evenings came to an end, etc. Between the school and the gym on one side and that thing going on with Marcel on the other, I was hardly getting any sleep, let alone the off time to waste on games and the usual school gossip with my buddies.

I admitted to having a bit of fun “on the side”, and told them I was not going to talk about it. As you may imagine, all the hell broke loose. They wanted to know every detail. I held my ground. Friends or not, I did not owe them anything.
In the meantime, this thing with my Silver Fox developed beyond my expectations. Or beyond my wildest dreams, if you will?

For our 2nd Month Anniversary, Marcell and I flew for a long weekend to his house in Provence, France. For a guy who had never been abroad, this was an amazing experience. All first-class, uniformed chauffeur and limo transfers, the finest food anyone could think of. I could not believe my fking luck.

After that, I started spending all my weekends with him. I won’t bore you with details, but Marcell is all first class. A totally awesome guy in every respect.

I spilled out my beans to the two of my closest gay buddies at the beginning of December. I told them that I was in love with Marcell. As expected, this did not sit well with either of them.

So, I was actually turning into a high-class hooker for a guy twice my age? He was going to drop me after a while, once he gets bored with me, and another cute guy crosses his path? I was neglecting my friends and was going to come back to them asking for their forgiveness, once my sugar daddy dumps me. What the hell, am I thinking? Yadda, yadda…

OK, I was totally stunned. I have no intention of breaking up with Marcel. Frankly, the ride is too good to be missed. He has taken me to places I would never be able to see without him. He cares for me better than anyone I have ever met in my life, including my own family. I used to have a reasonably good life before I met Marcell alright. But that really fades away if compared with the fun I am having now.

I am not saying that Jordi and Steve, my college friends and buddies are all wrong. At some point of time, Marcell can just move on without me. What am I going to do, if this thing with him goes wrong?

As you can see, I am a bit disoriented here. Is there anything I need to do now, in order to make sure that I do not get dumped later on? What would I do then?

Look, I know that all of this may sound totally stupid. I just do not know what to do next? I would be grateful for any pointers.

Thanks,

Daniel

Guys:

Please, comment and share your thoughts on this one!

Thanks,

SC

Hey Daniel:

Having read your mail, I feel that you actually still ARE fully in charge of this whole little affair. You have a good head on your shoulders.  Disoriented or not.

I see two relatively different sets of issues here.

On a lighter side, you are dealing with two of your closest buddies who have, for better or worse, raised some valid questions. That’s what the friends are for. They have also crossed the line, too.  If they are wondering about your being in a relationship with an apparent Sugar Daddy, they are right to question this whole new relationship, and tell you how they feel about it. Right or wrong, this is what you want your friends to do:  take an active part in your life.

They have crossed the line once they said that you were going “to come back to them asking for their forgiveness”.  They do not own you, and there is really no need for them “to forgive you” at all. This is still your life, and you are running the show as you find fit.

I can see their point in feeling that they are being neglected with you spending your free time with Marcel while putting them on a back burner. Like it or not, both Jordi and Steve will have to grow up fast. Xbox-based friendships and the HS-style camaraderie usually come to an end once you mature, find a BF, and start dating. This time around, it was who you broke the ice, found your present BF and started shifting away. For all you know, either one of them could have started dating before you did, and we’d be looking at the very same picture with different players in it.  And the proverbial kettle will be calling the pot black.

Hard as this may be, you ought to give your friends a chance. Dedicate one afternoon every two weeks or so for your time together. Use that time to re-connect, exchange gossip, check on your Xbox skills, and simply enjoy each other’s company.

Your life has changed, and soon, their lives will change, too. The actual mode of your friendship will have to change accordingly, too.

On a far more serious note, you are dating an apparently great guy who seems to rule your world now. Marcel is twice your age, an obviously successful guy with significant life experience behind him. Your asking, “Is there anything I need to do now, in order to make sure that I do not get dumped later on?” shows that you both understand your situation here and that you want to do what it takes to maintain this relationship.

The single most important pointer here would be for you to remember that it always takes two to tango. In other words, no matter what you do (or don’t), and no matter how hard you try to maintain this or any other relationship in your life, the ultimate success or failure are never really under your control alone. If a guy of Marcel’s caliber decides to break up and move on for whatever his reason may be, he’ll do so. The very same applies to you. Every relationship between two free people is based on this very fundamental premise.

On the other side, you can do a lot to maintain this relationship, and judging by the tone of your mail, I guess that is really what you intend to do.

First off, recognize the realities of your present relationship. Dating a guy in your age group with similar background and interests may be both simpler and possibly far less rewarding. Dating a guy twice your age is a genuine challenge. There is no point in pretending that you are equal players, here: you are not. Let him lead the way and call the shots for as long as you are comfortable with it. Communicate, share your views, express your wishes but never try to impose any sense of control over his decisions. If he senses any such intention on your part, he’ll most likely cut you off sooner rather than later.

Second off, do not take anything for granted. A guy who is spending his time, and apparently quite some of his money, too, on enjoying his life with you is most likely going to hate “a blasé, whatever” attitude. A “jokish”, college guy can get sex everywhere these days without much ado. Very few guys are going to fly you first class to France for a weekend and spend quality time with you caring about you and your needs. You are playing in a totally different league here, and you seem to fully recognize that.

Third off, take a pro-active, hands-on approach. Show active interest in Marcel and his life. Demonstrate that you care, too. See, if there is anything that you can do for him to show  that. This is where a relatively small effort creates a very big effect. If you like driving, and are good at it, offer to drive whenever he seems to be tired or under the stress. If you are good with household, offer to help whenever possible. If you know a thing or two about the gym regime, offer to train with him together, and share your knowledge with him. Offer to learn how to help him, whenever he needs anything. Never tire of showing that you are actually adding value to your relationship in your own way. Successful men appreciate genuine effort and good will more than your average Joe. This ought to be your forte.

Fourth off, express your hope and vision that you are both in it for a long ride. Saying things like, “I hope that we can celebrate your birthday next year with such a good wine; in such a great company, etc…” will subtly convey the message that you have a profound interest in this relationship, and that you are not planning to move on as soon as the novelty wears off, or someone else steps in. Sending such a powerful message will give your him food for thought. He too, knows that with all of his aces down his sleeve, he can get another college jock to replace you, if need be. But does he really want to go on repeating the very same loop, once he found a guy who genuinely cares for him?

Fifth off, never disregard your own career planning. No matter what the cost may be. Being together with someone of Marcel’s stature soon imposes a somewhat skewed, less critical view of the reality around you. All the privilege and comfort of Marcel’s wealth are for you to share for only as long as he sees it fit. It is easy to forget that he really owns all those toys that make life such an effervescent experience. He may or may not be prone to use the “We” and “our” in the place of “I” and “my”, but you should be always able to see clearly through this smokescreen.

Sixth off, seek his help in establishing your own independence. Every relationship comes with its up-and downsides. Guys like Marcel usually have a huge and powerful social and professional network. Many of them operate by the rule that “it really doesn’t matter what you know, but whom you know”.  The major benefit of your present relationship beyond the obvious, is not really foreign travel, and the “livin’ it on the Ritz” but the fact that you can truly build a better life for yourself by putting your common synergies to work.

Last but not least, understand the fact many people around you out of either ignorance or sheer envy may not look favorably upon your relationship with Marcel. Learn how to disregard them completely and without any reservations. Those who are successful are doomed to be envied, and those who fail are doomed to be pitied. Learn how to cherish the life which will be the envy of many.

SC

~ by silverrrcloud on December 26, 2009.

One Response to “Gay Agony Uncle: Sugar Daddy”

  1. SC, that’s a very thoughtful response. Thanks for sharing this. It opens my eyes to some of my issues while being a gay man.

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