Gay Agony Uncle: A BJ Gone Bad

Hey Cloud:

I’d love to hear your take on this.

I am a metro top gay guy in my mid-30’s, reasonably out and about. I met Marc on one of the local dating sites this October, and we hit it off pretty fast.

He is 25, in-shape, smart and hard-working. I saw a BF potential here, and we started dating. A few fancy dinners, movies, a good bottle of wine, etc. Nothing major, though. OK, no complaints on my part.

He said he was pretty much out, too, with some experience, open-minded, versatile, loved m2m sex, etc. I’d say he was making all the right noises, if anything.

After more than 3 weeks of purely platonic dating, I thought it would be about the time to cut the chase, and actually have sex, rather than just talk about it. So, Marc was all smiles, and like “yeah, that’s cool with me… I need some, too.”

We went out for a dinner, and ended up at his downtown studio. He admitted that he did not have any sex since we started dating, and was probably going to be a bit impatient. Well, I thought that was sweet. We never talked about any commitment, monogamy and the stuff, but if he went into that mode once we started dating, that was fine with me. 

We practically skipped all the foreplay and he went down on me with a sense of total urgency.

You can probably see where this was heading to: for all his enthusiasm, he was about the worst sucker you could imagine. The dude was totally clueless in every sense of the word. I was not prepared for this. We have been talking about our past experience, and he certainly had stories to tell… . Anyway, he led me to believe that I was not hooking up with a completely clueless guy. Quite on the contrary…

I somehow managed to shoot my load, sooner rather than later, in view of the rather painful circumstances. Having your dick grated by someone’s sharp and very willing teeth, was not my idea of sexual fulfillment. He got a big “facial” for all his efforts and for his blatant lack of any skill. He looked up at me and started like, 

                “Dude, I just can’t believe that you would hose me down with your spunk before asking first!”

OK, I know the sexiquette. I should have asked first. But I did not. He has been telling me for three weeks that he absolutely loved it when a guy shot his load all over his face, and made him look slutty, and begging for more cock. So, I thought, I did not have to ask first. 

I apologized and left. Frankly, I got a bit disoriented here. Marc must have been lying to me all the way. I did not make any clear-cut decision here but I stopped short of calling him or texting him for the next few days. Actually, I was hoping that he would leave it that, too. Even a blind man would have seen that his plan (if indeed, he has had any), did not fly. 

A week later, he sent me an E-Mail, sounding rather hurt that I cut him off without a word, after I have had what I really wanted from him: sex. Yeah, rite. Whatever. 

He went on to remind me that I even lacked the decency to ask first, before shooting my load all over his face. 

My gut reaction was to see this guy as a total waste of both my time and my money. I sent him a short mail, saying I was pretty busy, and would not be getting in touch with him anytime soon. He got the message alright.

I am still wondering, what was his plan? What was he trying to achieve? And why was he trying to get in touch after he embarrassed himself beyond belief?




Your comments are welcome.



Hi Ron:

Despite their overwhelmingly stellar reputation, a few gay guys are very lousy cocksuckers. You have just made that (ouuch!) painful experience. If it is of any consolation, the chances that you’ll bump into the next member of their funny little Bad Cocksuckers Club any time soon are pretty slim. Yet, I would still derive a few lessons from this experience.

First off, if you see that your potential BF material unreservedly subscribes to the “no sex on the first date or shortly afterwards” theory, have a red flag at hand. At worst, he is either a sexually negative person, not really into that stuff, fears sex and correspondingly lacks experience or at best, lives by the 18th century stereotypes  he has never bothered to question.  Give a guy all the space he needs, but do not fail to check your sexual compatibility after the third date at the latest.  Up to three dates is by all means a good measure, no matter what his attitude may be.

Second off, tone down the dating environment. No doubt, a younger, possibly hot guy may be inclined to see it as his natural right to be wined and dined regardless of the cost to your entertainment budget. Stick with just one example of your generosity and name it clearly, “this is how I treat my official BF”. All the others get a big Latte and a muffin on a good day. Even guys who do not have any dishonorable intentions in the first place quickly realize that there is a lot to be gained (and nothing to be invested), if they just play hard-to-get around the guys who are a bit older than themselves. In reality, there are millions of older dudes who would love to bag a younger guy at zero cost. That’s a no-brainer. The ones who are generous even within reason are in awfully short supply, though. Make sure that people around you understand that you treat everyone well, and that nothing really comes at zero cost to the beneficiaries.

Third off, when it comes to the actual first-time sex with another guy, have your proverbial “Plan B” always at hand. Just because someone has boasted of his great sexual exploits in the past does not mean that he was saying the truth. If the play is really not developing to your liking, learn to communicate that, and test other territories. Marc might have been a very lousy c-sucker but for all we know, he may or may not have been an amazing anal bottom? No doubt, you must have been turned off by the feeling of his duplicity here, and probably just wanted to move on. Yet, a note for the next “first-time”: try something else.

Last but not least, you did break the sexiquette in a formal sense. Yup, I am all for always asking a “new” guy I am fooling around with, if I may shoot in his mouth, or if a facial would be more desirable? The fact that he was bragging about those things in the past should not have led you to believe that he would want a repeat with you then and there. Yet, I would stop short of attaching any huge importance to this. Whenever a guy goes down on another dude, he knows what’s coming next, doesn’t he? Indeed, he has every reasonable expectation of being both asked and warned first, but if he sees this as a matter of great importance, he ought to be watching for it too, and letting you know where and how he wants it.

You did well by moving on. Even if you managed to get back together, and started to sort out all the pertinent issues, you would still feel that your relationship had started on false premises. This would have a potential to haunt your relationship for a very long time. 

Good Luck,


~ by silverrrcloud on December 19, 2009.

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