Gay Agony Uncle: Bi Friend Denying His Love…

Hey SC,

I need some advice.

I am still madly in love with my ex. I dated him almost 5 years ago. We met through a call center where we both worked as ISP tech’s. He’s VERY attractive. About 6’0, 160lbs, blond hair, blue eyes that you can just get lost in.

When we met, he was ‘straight’. And engaged. Well we decided to hang out more outside of work and we got really close. One night (I still remember the day, Dec 14th 2005), I stayed over at his place and somehow we started messing around in the living room, with his fiance in the other room asleep. It lasted for HOURS. All night long.

Anyway, we began to get even closer and even started dating. He dumped his GF to be with me (or so he said). Now, Michael is bi, even tho he’ll deny it. After about 6 months or so, he started pulling away from me. So much to a point where I left his ass and didn’t talk to him for almost 2 years. 2 years ago, he got in touch with me after new years and we started talking again. Nothing sexual or anything, just the “i’m sorry’s.” We went on a road trip to visit one of his friends for the weekend together. After that we lost touch again. It was almost another 8 months before we started to talk again but this time we were alittle more serious about being friends.

We kept our distance. Never telling another person about what happened between us besides those that already knew from our past. We were friends that respected each other and tried not to hang on to the past. I even felt like I was moving on.

Well Michael moved 5 minutes away from me. He got engaged to another girl before we started hanging out again. He’s always lived almost an hour. With living so close now, we started hanging out even more. From the usual playing video games, to the movie nights, to the LAN parties that we were doing, it felt good to have my friend around.

Michael then was struck with the H1N1 virus. I went to the hospital with him. His fiance was there as well. I was there totally as a friend should be there for another. We then had a scare. The hospital gave him something that had a very bad reaction and I was screaming for help because he was crying and in massive pain. I was getting very scared and terrified that something was going to happen to him before help could arrive. Finally they arrived and stopped the treatment. He called for his fiance and not me. That hurt me pretty bad.

Later that day he was moved to a room and was being treated. So many nurses and doctors walked in the room and asked why I wasn’t wearing a mask. I wasn’t going to let Michael be there and feeling out of place. Throughout all of what happened, it shocked me to realizing that I still loved Michael very much. I went home that night to think about what I should do. I saw him at the hospital again the next day and that’s when I told him what i felt. He told me that nothing can come of it and I got pissed off and left. I didn’t talk to him for about a week. We then started to get to talking again. It was about a week after that, when he called me up and said that he was bored and wanted to hang out. I said ok. He came over, we played some euchre with our friend Mary (who is his ex, and a lesbian now), and Sandra (roommate). He stayed the night and we slept on the pull out (didn’t want him in my room). When everyone left he made a move and well…we fooled around. After that, I realized that he still loved me very much but was too afraid to admit it to himself.

It’s been about a month now. 2 weeks ago I told him how I felt and what was going on with it. We’ve barely spoken to each other since then or seen each other. Most of that’s because of finals from school and work.

I believe that Michael is the one for me. Everyone that knows him and me, have all said that I’m the one for him. That sooner or later he’ll come around and realize it. Almost 5 years have passed since I first met him and I’ve been the ONLY one that’s been there through all the shit he’s put me and others through.
I’m finding it hard to move on with my life again. I don’t want to. But I’m tired of playing the backseat friend (and no that’s not meant sexually). I’m tired of looking in the mirror and seeing an ugly face looking back at me. I do not find myself attractive in the lease but so many people have said i’m cute and that my best asset is my eyes (they’re hazel but dominately green).

I really do want to be with Michael. How can I either move on with my life, or get him to see that I truly do love him and to realize that he feels the same way about me.

-Suffering in Silence-


I have changed very few names and deleted some geographical reference in order to protect the anonymity of the guy asking for advice.

Your comments and thoughts are welcome!








Dear Suffering in Silence:

First off, you are facing an issue of “buying above your league”, or so it seems. You describe Michael as being “VERY attractive”. In stark contrast to this, towards the end of your letter you describe yourself as “looking in the mirror and seeing an ugly face looking back at me”. The looks are certainly NOT everything. But in this time and age, they do matter a lot. Does Michael’s being VERY attractive really mean that he can go around “bagging” both gals and guys as it suits him?  If so, you want to objectively re-evaluate your real chances here. Why would he want to be with you (exclusively?), if he seems to be in demand all over the place? If he is looking forward to settling down with another male, wouldn’t he really want someone in his “own league” by one standard (looks, age) or by the other (money, success)?

Second off, you identify Michael as being “bi even tho, he’ll deny it.” I do not doubt your judgment here at all. There is an obvious track record to prove your valid point here.  Yet, Michael will deny it. Most probably, because he sees himself as just a guy who can both be in love and have sex with both women and men, but has opted to be mostly straight for whatever his reasons may be. Being “mostly straight” really means that he’ll do his utmost to deepen his ‘straight side’ while playing on the side with men, if he feels like it, and if the circumstances allow him to do so. The latest hospital episode actually confirmed his “pro-straight” attitude beyond any shadow of doubt. For the sake of truth, we must admit that he has been signaling loud and clear that your place is that one you aptly described as “playing a backseat friend”. Understandably, you do not want to go there at all.

Third off, you have a longish common history. You have started by describing Michael as being your “Ex”. Be as it may, you have been through quite a bit together. You see this as a major plus, no doubt. Yet, more likely than not, he may not be sharing your view at all. He may very well perceive you as a chronicler of his failures and errors; a guy who has seen all of his past faults in their full, naked truth. He may very well be wondering if he would not be better off with someone who sees him in a much better light. To you, he owes a great debt of both gratitude and friendship in times of personal duress. He may not want to carry over that balance into his future? 

Fourth off, you have quoted the opinion of the people who have known you throughout all these years, and who “have all said that I am the one for him”. No doubt, you too, share their view unreservedly. All of that notwithstanding, Michael may have a very different view of things, and he has so far, clearly shown this. This being actually his call (and apparently ONLY HIS), the value of all the other opinions remains a doubtful matter at best.

Where do you go from here? 

For the wont of a better word, you are Michael’s friend with occasional benefits. There is no reason for you not the see the upside of this, and enjoy it for whatever it may be worth 

At the same time, you ought to recognize the obvious fact that putting Michael where you want him to be in your life might not really be a viable option for the time being. No amount of good will, effort and friendship on your part, reasoning or even manipulation or pressure will ever sway a determined guy from his path. If he has decided that you have to stay on that backseat in his life, that’s where you are going to sit, unless you want to leave his car, and catch a ride with someone else.

You, on the other hand, still have all your options before you!

First off, let go. Do your utmost to signal that you care for him but that you have a life beyond that friendship. Start viewing him as one of your friends; one of the people you may want to fool around with, too. Demonstrate that you have other options, and that you have no intention of clinging on to him or even worse, to your common past. 

Second off, do all you can to move up. Nothing succeeds like success. Let your creativity and talents play their full forte. Grant yourself a better life in every respect. Focus on your own future and show clearly that you belong to the winners’ league. Grow up to be a very desirable person, someone whose time and attention other people will crave for. That’s both the safest and the easiest way to develop your own ‘magnetic personality’. IMHE, most Michaels of this world seem to fall for the guys who outdo their competitors. 

Third off, recognize the fact that Michael and you may have very different definitions of what “love” really means. Try to eliminate that bit out of your already complex equation and answer this simple question: “what’s in it for him AND what’s in it for me?” Draw an impartial balance sheet, and you’ll understand the nature of his resistance, and possibly see the best way of overcoming it. 

Fourth off, learn one of life’s most important lessons: no one gets all his wishes fulfilled. Learning to continue working and struggling towards achieving your goal is always both more valuable and rewarding than the actual goal itself. 

Good Luck!


~ by silverrrcloud on December 15, 2009.

7 Responses to “Gay Agony Uncle: Bi Friend Denying His Love…”

  1. He is not meeting you half way. This could go on for the next 50 years. The best way to get him is to give him the opportunity to feel the absence of you. Each time you have walked away, he has come after you. Next time he comes after you, tell him he needs to respect this relationship and earn your trust.

  2. I welcome the advice on this. There have been some things said that I really do have to think about. Keep the advice coming with this one. Really need it.

    -Suffering in Silence-

  3. Fooling around does not mean that he is love with you. Chasing after someone rarely works out. You need to move on, regardless of how long it takes. You need to find someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. Otherwise, you’ll always feel lonely. Cut him out of your life. Take it from someone who knows.

  4. SC – I do agree with a lot of the advice which you have given already, though I would disagree with the first point. The letter had in it = “I’m tired of looking in the mirror and seeing an ugly face looking back at me”. Though it does not mean that the person is ugly. A lot of the time our self perception depends on how we feel about everything else in our life. I’d say that Suffering in Silence is probably attractive. Though because he is emotionally tied to Michael at this stage (and this is going nowhere) his view of himself is not good. That’s my experience anyway. After I broke up with my ex I looked in the mirror and just felt really ugly. It wasn’t until I got myself back into the game that my perception changed.
    Suffering in Silence, all the advice given is really good. Jump back into the dating pool, meet other people, maybe fool around with some others (safely), have fun with life. One thing which you didn’t mention in the letter was what you’ve done with others during the period you’ve broken things off. You’ve said that Michaels got a new girlfriend etc. Though in the periods between have you done anything?

  5. I’ve never actually found myself attractive, even tho I have been told otherwise by many people. I have some baggage from when I went through my depression when I was a teen. The only thing that I find attractive about myself is my eyes (and everyone that’s seen my eyes agree).

    During the times when Michael and I didn’t speak to each other, I didn’t really do anything with anyone else. I live in Columbus, Ohio and while there may be a ton of gays, most of them are shallow and stupid. If you don’t look like or don’t wear , they won’t even give you a chance. Have I had offers? Yes I have…I’ve even taken advantage of the offers before. But for some reason no one has stayed around. I didn’t compare them to Michael because at that time I wasn’t talking to him.

    Now it’s been almost 2 years since last I messed around with someone else that was outside of oral. And GOD do I miss it.

    VJ – I wish I knew what it was like to jump back into the dating pool. I never really dated to much growing up (for reasons look at the beginning of this post).

  6. […] 3 weeks ago, I submitted a request for advice from you. The post was labeled Bi Friend Denying His Love. I want to say it was on Dec […]

  7. […] 3 weeks ago, I submitted a request for advice from you. The post was labeled Bi Friend Denying His Love. I want to say it was on Dec […]

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